Reevaluation.
This weekend was incredibly nice. I didn’t do a lot of crazy things (crazy on my scale of crazy). I did roll though, for one of the very last times I would say and I smoked an incredibly large amount of squares haha. I also ended up falling at Charlottes house, near all the construction is going on, and I fucked up my leg pretty badly.. But it was kind of funny. I called it a battle scar and I kinda felt like a badass. My leg is pretty fucked up though. My mom is worrying I’m going to get tetanus too because there were a bunch of nails and rocks and dirt in the ditch I fell into. But like I said, I was rolling and I didn’t realize how bad it was until yesterday, and the pain is a lot worse today. Everything is all cut up and red and swollen and bruised up. But I’m gonna give it another week before I freak out about it. Let’s just not cross tetanus off that list yet though, haha I have the weirdest sense of humor…well anyways that night was nice because I finally got to hang our with some old friends and spend time with them. There was a lot of laughing and talking and sharing of stories. No drama at all. It was so peaceful. Especially being outside Charlottes house. Everything just looked so beautiful that night. I’m glad I didn’t go to that party. I’m completely satisfied with my weekend. Not to mention Friday, I blazed out of my hookah (great investment by the way) with Charlotte, Chint and Matt. Rimas came by for a little bit too to drop something off and to borrow my gloves, and that was nice. I then went on an adventure to Tro Sno with Matt and Char, which was followed by playing Skyrim at her house (I immediately fell in love) and then our high selves decided to get dominos pizza. Oh god it was delicious. So after dominos, we went back to my house to watch Superbad. Matt and I ended up knocking out hahaha. It was nice though. I love falling asleep, especially with him, after a day like that. I can’t remember the last time I spent a weekend without him. It’s like we live together on the weekends. If he’s not sleeping over at my house, we’re out fucking shit up, and spending the night together somewhere else. I’ve never had anything like this. But I’m not complaining.
To be quite honest, I’m in love. I have been for awhile now, but this weekend I realized how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life. He’s always there for me, I’ve never felt so damn comfortable around anyone else than I do with him, we’re always laughing and playing with each other, and even when things get serious and heavy, he never leaves me alone. He’s always by my side. And I can’t thank him enough for that. I suck at expressing my feelings, to be honest, but I’m trying to let him know that he means the world to me. No one can make me feel like he does when they say “I love you.” He has my complete and utter devotion. God, I don’t know how we even got here. I know I have a bad reputation when it comes to being unfaithful too, but I’ve really never been so faithful to anyone like I am to him. I’m kind of proud of myself for that one, lol. I just know I love him. I love everything about him. I love his laugh, how he smells (I can still smell his scent on me right now, and it’s making me miss him terribly), how he makes me laugh (especially the funny ass shit we say to each other), the way he looks at me, the way he drags a cigarette, the way he walks, the way he holds me, especially the way he kisses me…and the list goes on. I’ve never met someone so perfect for me. I just want to take care of him and keep him safe and comfortable and happy. I share everything with him and he’s still with me, which amazes me. Anyways, this weekend I’ve needed to do a lot if thinking. Things in my life are strange..to say the least. Again, I’m lucky to have Matt with me. With my mom trying to send me to rehab, and her and my dad trying to get a divorce, to trying to get ready for college, everything’s been hectic. I’ve had to reevaluate the way im living my life. Which hasn’t been very healthy lately. In trying to quit a lot of things, and in trying to pull myself back to reality, my mind has been a complete fucking mess. The worst part is I don’t even cry anymore. I just stand there and slowly take everything in. I used to cry so much. I used to be so different. What happened to me, I don’t know exactly. It couldve been anything really. I’ve survived a lot. But there are plenty of little scars that have been left behind. Most of the time, I like the new me. But when I start to realize how many of the things I used to love to do, I don’t do anymore, it worries me. I’m too busy trying to get fucked up. I don’t want that anymore. I want respect and love. And if I keep doing some of the things I’m doing, im pretty sure it won’t turn out alright. I probably might not even be alive. It’s hard to break habits, but this weekend I’ve realized I need to stop. So here goes; to a successful, beautiful, clean life. I can do this. And then I’ll keep creating myself. Till then, I’ll stay strong.
thinking of getting this now that Im legal and dont need my parents permission to do shit yayyy
(via sirensong-)
